Surrender

I just recently came back from a weekend retreat called Blast at a camp in Wisconsin. I went into it hoping that God would speak something to my heart; I came out crying tears of joy and wonder.

Friday evening, the speaker brought up a point during session that made me stop and think really hard. He said something along the lines of, "Guys, I know many of you have given your life to Christ and say that you have surrendered, but would you really do absolutely everything He asked you to do? Would you say anything He asked you to say? Would you go anywhere in the world He asked you to go?" It scared me a little bit and really caused me to stop and question myself. Doubt began to cloud my mind a little bit. I thought that I had accepted Christ a bit over a year ago and given myself as a complete sacrifice, wholly surrendered, to Him this past summer at Sandblast, another retreat. But little doubts were still creeping around my mind. I didn't know if I would ignore God if I was caught in the moment. I didn't know if I would refuse Him outright if I didn't realize that He was speaking to me at a certain time. It kind of freaked me out a bit because I wanted to give Him my everything. I just didn't know if I really could, and I discovered that at Sandblast I hadn't fully committed myself to His will, just mostly. There was still a part of me holding back.

I shared my insecurity with my small group and I prayed desperately that He would show me a way, that He would help me out with what I was struggling with and help me to commit the rest of myself to Him so that I would do and say everything He wants me to and go wherever He wants me to go. I prayed that He would help me not to fear the outcomes of obeying Him.

Well, the next evening at session was a bombardment of amazingness. We were worshipping to a bunch of songs, and especially when we started singing a song called "I Could Run Away," I just felt God speaking to my heart through the actual song lyrics and through the words that the worship leader added himself. It was a fantastic release, and so beautiful that I couldn't help but cry because of how awesome He is and how crazy awesome it was to see so many people walk to the front of the auditorium to accept Christ and to be prayed for. I completely let go and just worshipped Him and prayed and cried some more. My small group was a bit tearful too, which made me feel way less self-conscious about my situation (even though I wasn't too self-conscious to begin with). I just felt God calling me to really, truly give everything else up to Him, and to stop worrying about how I would provide for myself or what other people would think of me or anything like that. And so I let go. I surrendered, and I pray it's once and for all this time.

We took communion after worship, and me and one of my small group friends just couldn't stop crying the entire time! It was so awesome how touched everyone was by where we were and how we were worshipping with everything we had and how many had come to Christ. During small group time after that, I talked about how God had touched me and let me know that I cannot keep ignoring Him when He whispers to me about traveling to other countries to serve. I had been afraid of really considering it because my mom is against it and because I was not sure whether that was the best decision for me. But duh, of course: You don't know what's best for you, God does! So let Him be the one to lead you!

So on Sunday morning I stepped up to the microphone with tears streaming down my face as I told 500+ people about this covenant I had made, this promise to "do all He asks me to do, say all He asks me to say, and go everywhere He asks me to go." I seriously couldn't stop crying after that, especially when my other emotional friend came to me and hugged me and started crying also and when one of the sophomore guys rested his hand on my shoulder. Even before worship, when the leader was praying for us, I couldn't stop crying, and this guy next to me that I didn't even know put his arm around me and the person on his other side. Of course I ended up crying even harder. I don't even know why; the tears just kept falling. And now that I have time to think about it, I think I was just crazy overwhelmed by how much God was working in me and in everyone around me. How awesome is He!!!