Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Speechless and awestruck

Sometimes God does things, and I have no clue why He's doing them, or why He's using me to do them, and even though He gives me the answers, I'm still left in wonder because of His ways.

Take, for example, this past Sunday. See, God had been trying to get me to talk to a friend for a couple of weeks about Him. He just stopped me in the middle of my homework and told me that He wanted me to give this guy, a friend of mine, a message. His message made me smile, and I knew that that was something that this guy needed to hear. But I had no clue how to tell it to him, especially because it always seems like he doesn't want anything to do with God. So I procrastinated. But God kept nudging and nudging and finally I pulled him aside at Impact on Sunday after small groups and I opened myself directly to God and gave my friend the message, God's words through me:

"I love you, and I miss you. I know you're not sure about me at all. But if you ever need to talk, I'm here, waiting to have a relationship with you. I know there's things you're going through, and I know it's hard for you to open and believe. It's okay. I just wanted you to know that I am here, and I hope you come to me. Love, God."

Of course, the answer I get back from my friend: "Couldn't you have told me this over Facebook?"

So I bow my head slightly in embarrassment because I probably could have told him over Facebook, but I felt that it was something that needed to be said in person. But I heard God telling me in my heart that saying this in person was better and that He was glad that I listened to Him. I felt so completely comforted and at peace. Later that evening when I went over to this friend's house to watch a movie, he never once mentioned the message I delivered to him earlier. I don't know what's going on in his head. I just pray that God works in his heart and that he opens up to His amazing love.

And another example of God's ability to leave me speechless:

Last night, I was driving to get gas before meeting up with some friends to study at a bookstore. For the first time, I heard on the radio Steven Curtis Chapman's story behind his song "Heaven is the Face," how his son accidentally ran over and killed his daughter with the car. It shook me, especially thinking about how awful the son must feel about the accident and how the parents feel about the whole situation. And then KLOVE played the song. I heard it in a completely different light as I pulled into the Sam's Club parking lot, from the perspective of a father who has lost his daughter in this accident. I started crying a little bit when he sung "Heaven is a sweet maple syrup kiss/And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone," and eventually I pulled into a parking stall because I couldn't concentrate on driving to the station a short distance away. I just wept, without having a pure reason behind my tears, just listening to the emotion of a father who loved his daughter so much and was now singing about her after her death.

But today, I heard the same song on my drive home from school, and God reached out and touched my heart in a completely different way. I felt like God was singing through Steven Curtis Chapman's lyrics to me: "Heaven is the face of a little girl/With dark brown eyes that disappear when she smiles/Heaven is the place where she calls my name/Says 'Daddy please come play with me for awhile...'/Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep/Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing/And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms/Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams." I felt so much like God's little girl that I was left at the stoplight between Rt. 31 and Crystal Lake Ave. with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face.

I'm His messenger, His daughter, His beloved. And I'm left speechless every time He embraces me and kisses me with sweet words of comfort and of grace and of hope and of love.