Saturday, April 3, 2010

God, please grant me some patience

Looking back at many of my previous blog posts, it seems like each of them has some sort of underlying theme or moral or idea or something, I don't know. I don't think this one will. This one might turn into more of a rant.
I don't know what to do about my sister, who we will call B. I have pretty much had it with her. Lately (like for the past six or eight weeks, roughly) she has become more intolerable than usual. She makes mean comments right and left, and when anyone says something about that (i.e. "that was rude" or "that wasn't nice") she'll say something like, "Can't you take a joke?" or "I was only kidding." What lies; if she meant to pass those comments off as jokes, she a) would use a very different tone of voice, b) wouldn't be saying them so often, and c) wouldn't be saying them in bad situations. Then, whenever someone brings this up to her, she replies that she doesn't know what that person is talking about, she doesn't have an attitude problem, she's only joking, she doesn't know why everyone's so serious.
Last night, I had some friends over to watch Passion of the Christ since it was Good Friday. I told B beforehand that I didn't want her downstairs with us if she was just going to sleep through the whole thing or make comments throughout the whole thing. She got defensive and tried to get my mom involved, who dismissed the whole situation on both sides and didn't get involved. I knew that since I was inviting over the teenage worship leader I mentioned in my last blog post and his two brothers, B would not want to be left out of the situation. Those three would be the only guys watching the movie, and them plus B would be the only people not in my small group. The other seven of us (with myself included in that number) are all in the same small group. Well, throughout the entire movie, B could not help but make loud side comments and flirt with the worship leader (who, on a side note, she has dated before). I know that if B had not been in that room, the guys would have all been really into the movie. I wish she had gone to a friend's house last night or something. The funny thing is that the worship leader's younger brother was more mature that night than his two older brothers! He actually, when I started crying during the movie, reached over and took my hand and squeezed it knowingly in support.
The worst was when one of the girls in my small group and I started bawling and hugging during the last fifteen or twenty minutes of the movie together. B went and said, "Aw, you're cute" in a sugary, syrupy kind of voice. It was completely out of context and uncalled for, especially since Passion of the Christ is such a serious movie! Oh, did I mention that she said this while Christ was being nailed to the cross?
Lately she's been hurting me worse than ever by overexaggerating and ridiculing my intelligence ("Your smartness annoys me!" "Like every five seconds you say something smart about plants and this and that and I don't care.") and my love for Christ ("At least I don't run around shouting 'Jesus!'"). It hurts because I know for sure that I'm not "saying something smart" every five seconds; in fact, it's a rare occassion when I bring up what I learned in school on whatever day because of the fact that nobody asks and so nobody seems to want to hear. It hurts because I know for sure that I don't "run around shouting 'Jesus!'" like Bullhorn Guy; I bring my Bible to school most of the time and I connect with others at FCA and at Sonrise, but unless someone asks me why I'm carrying around my Bible or why I act differently or do this or that, I generally do not talk about my faith. I don't hide it, but I don't randomly out of nowhere say, "So, do you know Jesus?" And it sucks because at home I feel like I can't be open about my faith, either. The place I feel safest and able to open up most is at Impact. It's even a rare occassion when I feel safe and open in my own bedroom. How sad is it when you feel like your home is a place away from what the rest of your family calls home? I feel like I'm closer to my brothers and sisters in Christ than to the family I was born into. But I digress.
I just don't know what to do with B anymore. It seems like she's been turning into those backstabbing mean girls you sometimes see around school. She has said before that she's accepted Christ (apparently last summer), but it's obvious she hasn't; I'm worried/scared for her future because even though I'm trying to be an example for her, I don't think she wants to have a faith like mine. All I feel like I can do otherwise is pray. I'm just at a complete loss besides that. And because of how she's treating me, it's become extremely hard to think fondly of her. God, please help me. And her. And the rest of my family. And the world. :(

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