Tears

I saw a quote somewhere around Facebook that said, "Tears are the words the heart can't express." I think maybe the writer of the quote meant it to be about crying from sadness, which I can see, but I also think it can be taken differently, too.

Reader, I'm the kind of person who really hates hiding her emotions. I prefer to be open with others, not hiding behind some sort of veil. I don't like to hold back how I feel, but sometimes when I feel strongly, I end up in tears. Examples:

1. If I laugh too hard I definitely end up crying. Possibly the silliest situation because I have absolutely no control over it!
2. If I become angry and upset I may start to tear up.
3. If I witness something sorrowful, whether it be a video, song, or scene that strikes a chord with me, a few tears may roll down my cheeks.
4. If I am overcome with an intense feeling of longing, i.e. wishing Jesus would come back or wishing that people would know God, I might tear up a bit.
5. If I feel overcome with joy, I might start to cry. It just happens.

In these situations, and others, the emotions are so intense that I cannot find words to express them. I suppose tears work well, then, to express the feelings in my heart that I cannot alone.

Do I like to cry? Do I force myself to cry? No. It just happens, and I'd rather let it happen than try to keep it bottled up inside. Of course, walking around a public place like a school makes it rather difficult, because many times you are automatically judged for being so emotional. Those are the times when I end up saving moments in my head to revisit on my own time, in the car or in my room or in some other place.

Ultimately, though, God says that in Heaven, He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. So even if/when I do cry out of joy when I go to Heaven, He will be there to brush them away and tell me, "I know what you are feeling, daughter. Welcome home."

Can we say "miracle?"

About an hour after that last blog post yesterday, I was in my room getting ready for bed, putting some stuff away, when all of a sudden B barges into my room. At the time my back is turned and I'm putting some papers away in a drawer in my desk while she's talking.

She's apologizing, and crying.

Long story short, she was spilling on how she was sorry about the things she's been saying, how she's having so much trouble figuring out who she is, how she feels like she can't be herself, how hard it is for her to believe at all in God, how she feels like she just keeps messing up and can't do anything right. I was humbled by this display of sorrow and all I could think, as I invited her to sit on my bed and lean into me and cry while I told her that I forgive her, was, "How wrong was I for bashing her only an hour earlier!"

Even fifteen minutes prior to this event, my other sister C and I were discussing her attitude and how mean she had been acting lately. I spilled to C some of the things she had said to me. I think C probably had a hand in exposing to B these faults. It seems like B listens more readily to C than to me, which is fine I suppose.

I prayed for her and talked to her, and even talked to her a bit about God and gave her some reading from a site called everystudent.com since she told me that it's hard for her to believe without proof outside the Bible. I'm hoping that she asks more questions and that we all can be more open with each other from now on.

It just seemed like a total miracle.

Happy Easter everyone! He is risen!

God, please grant me some patience

Looking back at many of my previous blog posts, it seems like each of them has some sort of underlying theme or moral or idea or something, I don't know. I don't think this one will. This one might turn into more of a rant.

I don't know what to do about my sister, who we will call B. I have pretty much had it with her. Lately (like for the past six or eight weeks, roughly) she has become more intolerable than usual. She makes mean comments right and left, and when anyone says something about that (i.e. "that was rude" or "that wasn't nice") she'll say something like, "Can't you take a joke?" or "I was only kidding." What lies; if she meant to pass those comments off as jokes, she a) would use a very different tone of voice, b) wouldn't be saying them so often, and c) wouldn't be saying them in bad situations. Then, whenever someone brings this up to her, she replies that she doesn't know what that person is talking about, she doesn't have an attitude problem, she's only joking, she doesn't know why everyone's so serious.

Last night, I had some friends over to watch Passion of the Christ since it was Good Friday. I told B beforehand that I didn't want her downstairs with us if she was just going to sleep through the whole thing or make comments throughout the whole thing. She got defensive and tried to get my mom involved, who dismissed the whole situation on both sides and didn't get involved. I knew that since I was inviting over the teenage worship leader I mentioned in my last blog post and his two brothers, B would not want to be left out of the situation. Those three would be the only guys watching the movie, and them plus B would be the only people not in my small group. The other seven of us (with myself included in that number) are all in the same small group. Well, throughout the entire movie, B could not help but make loud side comments and flirt with the worship leader (who, on a side note, she has dated before). I know that if B had not been in that room, the guys would have all been really into the movie. I wish she had gone to a friend's house last night or something. The funny thing is that the worship leader's younger brother was more mature that night than his two older brothers! He actually, when I started crying during the movie, reached over and took my hand and squeezed it knowingly in support.

The worst was when one of the girls in my small group and I started bawling and hugging during the last fifteen or twenty minutes of the movie together. B went and said, "Aw, you're cute" in a sugary, syrupy kind of voice. It was completely out of context and uncalled for, especially since Passion of the Christ is such a serious movie! Oh, did I mention that she said this while Christ was being nailed to the cross?

Lately she's been hurting me worse than ever by overexaggerating and ridiculing my intelligence ("Your smartness annoys me!" "Like every five seconds you say something smart about plants and this and that and I don't care.") and my love for Christ ("At least I don't run around shouting 'Jesus!'"). It hurts because I know for sure that I'm not "saying something smart" every five seconds; in fact, it's a rare occassion when I bring up what I learned in school on whatever day because of the fact that nobody asks and so nobody seems to want to hear. It hurts because I know for sure that I don't "run around shouting 'Jesus!'" like Bullhorn Guy; I bring my Bible to school most of the time and I connect with others at FCA and at Sonrise, but unless someone asks me why I'm carrying around my Bible or why I act differently or do this or that, I generally do not talk about my faith. I don't hide it, but I don't randomly out of nowhere say, "So, do you know Jesus?" And it sucks because at home I feel like I can't be open about my faith, either. The place I feel safest and able to open up most is at Impact. It's even a rare occassion when I feel safe and open in my own bedroom. How sad is it when you feel like your home is a place away from what the rest of your family calls home? I feel like I'm closer to my brothers and sisters in Christ than to the family I was born into. But I digress.

I just don't know what to do with B anymore. It seems like she's been turning into those backstabbing mean girls you sometimes see around school. She has said before that she's accepted Christ (apparently last summer), but it's obvious she hasn't; I'm worried/scared for her future because even though I'm trying to be an example for her, I don't think she wants to have a faith like mine. All I feel like I can do otherwise is pray. I'm just at a complete loss besides that. And because of how she's treating me, it's become extremely hard to think fondly of her. God, please help me. And her. And the rest of my family. And the world. :(